I’m Just So Angry, But Don’t Know Why

It’s now been 2 1/2 hours since my daughter woke with teething. My body is a ruin and I’m so tired. I’m trying to keep it together and not lose my temper, but it’s not working. I just smashed the switch to the kitchen light.

My wife tells me to calm down and not get angry, but it feels like she’s saying it in a judging way, like I’m weak for feeling this way, which stokes the fire in me even more!

I don’t think it’s a secret I have anger issues. I’ve never gone over the line, thankfully, and I don’t think I ever will. But shouting and venting are all part of my repartee. The thing that gets me more het up is when people tell me to calm down. Yeah, cause you saying it will make it happen! I try my best to stay calm, so when someone tells me, it’s basically saying: “you’re failing, so try harder!”

She’s now practically keeping me and my daughter apart, turning her back to feed her, not letting me help. I’m sure she thinks I’d so something. I understand my temper is scary, but it hurts me so much to think she believes that I could ever hurt either of them.

I wish I had someone I could talk to about it. My family wouldn’t understand. My wife would listen, but I don’t think she’d hear and take in what I was saying. Not sure anyone would. I don’t understand it myself.

Up until about 6 years or so ago, I didn’t think I was a very angry person. My temper never really got the better of me. Wish I knew where I went wrong. At least I could start from there. It seems like it has just appeared out of thin air. My mum seems to think I’ve always had a temper, but I honestly don’t ever remember feeling like this before.

I wrote the above last night. Since then, my wife has been severely distant from me. Can’t say as I blame her. I’m a big guy, I can be intimidating when I’m relaxed, let alone fuming. I’ve booked an appointment with my doctor for Friday. I’m going to ask if there is anything they can do or help with. I’ve had a look online, but I can’t see anything along the lines of government help for anger issues. Inject yourself with drugs, drink and other things people choose to do, they throw money at left right and centre and help them out to be a good government to the people. I don’t choose to be angry, I don’t choose to have a temper. But I don’t think there is any help for me out there unless I pay £40 an hour for the privilege (which isn’t going to do me many favours in calming down when I can’t pay my mortgage!).

Update – Ok, so I’ve told a bit of a porkie. There IS NHS funded help, but I may have to go on a waiting list…… o…k…

I am worried about doing the whole counselling thing. I find it so hard to talk about my feelings (apart from on here) and opening up to my biggest weakness will be something so hard and uncomfortable and even then, it might not work. But it’s worth a try. I just hope that something comes from my GP visit.


3 thoughts on “I’m Just So Angry, But Don’t Know Why

  1. Kandy says:

    Dan, I think your looking into this a bit too deep mate, your anger issues are likely down to lack of sleep! Maybr try looking into vitamins first, I know this sounds stupid, but seriously they do work. Si has a lot of nervious energy and takes Vit B complex every day & they really help him ‘not worry’, so it might be a good idea to see if theres another vit that helps with anger.

    Also maybe you should ask wifey to read this blog of yours (if she hasn’t done so already), so she can see what and how you really feel.

    I hope you find a solution.

  2. Dan, I wrote about my temper that I’ve had as a child to late in life. It’s on my blog (March 2010) called Tempered Tempest. It may give you a heads up. It’s a tough one. Good Luck!

  3. Dan, I wasn’t very specific. Maybe this will help. Most anger stems from a loss. Figure out what you lost. From your writing it seems you lost sleep, and maybe the fact your body wasn’t feeling normal, you’ve lost a more comfortable feeling. There maybe other losses you’ve experienced also. They all accumulate. You have to accept the losses, when you figure out what they are. Take away your resistance. It’s the resistance that is giving you the anger. Think of when you went on the vacation to Egypt. The contrast between the holiday you were experiencing and your normal life back home, made you feel relaxed and you had time to enjoy life. The only difference between Egypt and home was your perception. Letting go of your resistance is changing your perception. There is always another reality right next to the one you are experiencing now. You just have to realize it is there. Anger is an emotion. Don’t get caught up in the emotion, get caught up in the solution. Think of a fly against a window. It struggles to get on the other side of the glass pane. But it can’t do it. Yet if it moved backwards into the room behind it would probably find another way out of it’s torment.
    Again, good luck!

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