Night From Hell


So I think I had an evening that qualifies as one of the really bad ones last night.

I get home from rugby covered from head to toe in mud. I only live across the road, so rather than shower, I was looking forward to a nice hot bath loving run by my wife. I put my kit in the washing machine, went upstairs, put my toe in to test the temperature and nearly jumped out of my skin………. Freezing bloody cold! For some reason, our boiler had broken down. Now exactly the same thing happened last year. Christmas eve it breaks and we spend the next few days huddled under blankets and around oil heaters for warmth. So we were smart and took out the manufacturers insurance package. They’re coming out tomorrow. Still a pain, but luckily not the depths of winter just yet.

I end up boiling a few kettles of water and washing in the sink. As I’m doing this, I hear my 18 month old girl wake up by coughing like a sea-lion! Normally, we’re not the panicking type of parents, but my father-in-law was diagnosed with pneumonia on Monday and she had been around him on the weekend. 10.45 we find ourselves at the front door to the work in centre (thought it better than clogging up A&E) only to be told they’re closed…….. So off we go to A&E.

We were ushered through to the children’s ward very quickly, but there the good luck stopped. 3 hours later, after I’ve been surrounded by brats whose parents couldn’t control them and refused to cover their mouths when they coughed or sneezed, a moody doctor decided to look at my little ‘un. She has a nasty chest, throat and ear infection, got the drugs and was told to go home.

So we get home, get to bed about 3.30am. 5 am my daughter wakes up screaming. She wouldn’t calm down. In the end, my wife took her downstairs to play. I tried to follow, but my wife insisted I stay in bed as I had work and she didn’t.

So now I’m sat at work, with match sticks holding open my eyes, drowning myself in thick black coffee and praying my little girl feels better.

I guess it could have been worse, it could have happened tonight and ruined my birthday tomorrow (yes, I know it’s  a shameless plug, but who cares!)

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I’m Just So Angry, But Don’t Know Why


It’s now been 2 1/2 hours since my daughter woke with teething. My body is a ruin and I’m so tired. I’m trying to keep it together and not lose my temper, but it’s not working. I just smashed the switch to the kitchen light.

My wife tells me to calm down and not get angry, but it feels like she’s saying it in a judging way, like I’m weak for feeling this way, which stokes the fire in me even more!

I don’t think it’s a secret I have anger issues. I’ve never gone over the line, thankfully, and I don’t think I ever will. But shouting and venting are all part of my repartee. The thing that gets me more het up is when people tell me to calm down. Yeah, cause you saying it will make it happen! I try my best to stay calm, so when someone tells me, it’s basically saying: “you’re failing, so try harder!”

She’s now practically keeping me and my daughter apart, turning her back to feed her, not letting me help. I’m sure she thinks I’d so something. I understand my temper is scary, but it hurts me so much to think she believes that I could ever hurt either of them.

I wish I had someone I could talk to about it. My family wouldn’t understand. My wife would listen, but I don’t think she’d hear and take in what I was saying. Not sure anyone would. I don’t understand it myself.

Up until about 6 years or so ago, I didn’t think I was a very angry person. My temper never really got the better of me. Wish I knew where I went wrong. At least I could start from there. It seems like it has just appeared out of thin air. My mum seems to think I’ve always had a temper, but I honestly don’t ever remember feeling like this before.

I wrote the above last night. Since then, my wife has been severely distant from me. Can’t say as I blame her. I’m a big guy, I can be intimidating when I’m relaxed, let alone fuming. I’ve booked an appointment with my doctor for Friday. I’m going to ask if there is anything they can do or help with. I’ve had a look online, but I can’t see anything along the lines of government help for anger issues. Inject yourself with drugs, drink and other things people choose to do, they throw money at left right and centre and help them out to be a good government to the people. I don’t choose to be angry, I don’t choose to have a temper. But I don’t think there is any help for me out there unless I pay £40 an hour for the privilege (which isn’t going to do me many favours in calming down when I can’t pay my mortgage!).

Update – Ok, so I’ve told a bit of a porkie. There IS NHS funded help, but I may have to go on a waiting list…… o…k…

I am worried about doing the whole counselling thing. I find it so hard to talk about my feelings (apart from on here) and opening up to my biggest weakness will be something so hard and uncomfortable and even then, it might not work. But it’s worth a try. I just hope that something comes from my GP visit.

The Wife’s New Job


My wife is coming to the end of her maternity period and work is looming. Unfortunately, she will be unable to return to her current job part-time. It was looked at and discussed (to an extent) but was deemed undoable by the powers that be.

So be it.

Anyway, after the way she was treated (another long story I’d rather not get into) we both decided she shouldn’t return there. If for no other reason than we want her to be at home with our daughter at least some of the time.

She applied for a few photography jobs as she is a very keen and talented photographer, but these came to no avail. Instead, she opened up her own business and has been doing portrait shoots in a studio we made in our house (her website is here, please have a look). This has been going well, but isn’t really bringing in the money we need to keep going just yet. Hopefully once word gets around and the wedding season kicks in, things will change.

She did apply for a job working in a kids gymnastics place. I say gymnastics, it’s a tumble tots kind of get up, called Rainbow Mini Gym. This is perfect as she LOVES kids and she can even take our daughter to one of the sessions she’ll be working. Brilliant news came through today that she got it. Hours are great and days work perfectly. The only draw back is the pay is a little on the smaller side than I was hoping for.

So I get told the good news and the accountant in me rears it’s head. I start running figures through my head and alarm bells start ringing. I’m in the car at this time, so no where near my trusty computer and excel spread sheets. I get back to the office and start crunching numbers. I’m looking at tax relief and voucher schemes left, right and centre. The final result was that we can afford it. We’ll be tightening our belts so much that we’ll be wearing girdles, but we can do it. The only draw back is my training.

I was hoping to leave san da shortly and take up mma. This would be a culmination of techniques and arts I’ve wanted to learn but alas, we will only be able to afford 1 of my hobbies and rugby will ALWAYS take precedent for me.

So I was a bit down on thinking of this when I suddenly had a flash back. A little under a year ago, I was deeply depressed with my work and job. I couldn’t see any way out or any light at the end of the tunnel. My loving and supportive wife told me to leave that job. I did and found the job I’m currently in. Doesn’t pay as well as my last, but I’m much, much happier for it. What I guess I’m getting at is the same for my wife. She COULD go back to her job full time, get the good money and we can have our life back, but my daughter would suffer and be away from her mother. I’m not prepared for that to happen. So if sacrificing mma for my family is the option, I’ll gladly pay it.

Con Air Causes Deep Thinking


So I’m sitting here watching the film……. God, I can’t believe I’m going to admit this……. Con Air………… And the biggest shock, not only am I enjoying it (I’m in the right frame of mind for mindless, action crap) but it’s also making me think.

So as you may or may not know, Nicholas Cage is the hero of the film. He gets sent down for murder 3 months before his daughter was born. The first few minutes of the film is a talk-over of his letters to her and vice versa (obviously once she was old enough to write) and this is the part that got me thinking.

I’ve spent a lot more time in the last few days with Shannon (my daughter) than usual (lack of training on my part) and it’s been wonderful. She’s becoming such a character and seems to be becoming a right little daddy’s girl.

And seeing this scene in the film got me wondering how I’d feel about hearing of my daughter growing up without me being there. Already in this 7 months I’ve watched her grow from being a crying, shitting, eating blob to a hilarious, inquisitive, intelligent child. So much has happened and it would break my heart to think of missing any of it. Hell, the first time she crawled, I missed it by 1 hour due to being at work (luckily my wife managed to film it for me) and I was devastated! Sod missing 10 years!

Still, you break the law……..

Will It Never Stop?!


It’s now over 4 months since my little girl came into this world. As you know from my previous posts, this has not always gone so smoothly for me and “culture shock” would be an understatement! But as times gone on, things have gotten sooooooo much better.

I’m calmer now with her. This comes from my understanding of her needs and her growing up and not being such a blob (all new born babies are, you can’t deny it).

She’s becoming such a little character. She’s laughing at things, getting annoyed by things, learning so fast and is a total joy to have in my life.

But one thing is alluding us……. That infamous night of sleep!

 

Don’t get me wrong, we put her down at 8, dream feed at 11, then she goes through to about 3.30. Then we get her off and she stirs every half hour to an hour until 8. Not too bad really, but I’m dying for a full nights sleep. I think the missus is feeling it just as much (although she’s a total champ). My eyes feel like lead balloons, attention is zero and my energy levels are desperately low (and when you play rugby and fight san da, this can be a dangerous thing).

But we’re getting there. We have a holiday booked to Sharm El Sheik, Egypt at the end of September. That gives us 4 weeks to crack this night sleeping at get two weeks of peaceful bliss.

Wish us luck!!

I Need Anger Management


I have a short temper.

There it is, in black and White. It’s something I’ve always had (along with no patience) and something I guess I’ll always have. It’s never been an issue before. Usually I can surpress my rage and cool off. I’ve never lost control. Yet.

And that’s my concern. Since my daughter’s arrived, I’ve been getting very angry when she crys. This is down to the fact I can’t help her. If I’ve changed her and burped her, I can’t do anything else (we’re breast feeding). So I feel helpless and this frustrates me and boils my anger so much! I’m truly concerned that one day I may lose it.

What riles me even more, is I’m so ashamed at getting angry. I know she isn’t trying to upset me or wind me up and my poor wife has to deal with a crying 6 week old and a husband on the edge. I’m a weak man and need help.

I’ve looked around on my local councils website and can only find help for under 25’s. How pants is that?!?!? So I’ve emailed the Samaritans. If you’re interested, I’ll let you know how it goes.

My Parenting Fear


I’m slightly concerned.

My wife gave birth to my baby girl last Wednesday. I’m over the moon! I totally love my little angel. I’ve always thought I’d make a good dad. Now I’m not so sure.

I love my little girl. She’s absolutely perfect. She only cries for food and nappy change. But when she cries, I feel powerless. Sure I change her nappy and wind her, but I can’t feed her (we’re breast-feeding). And at the moment, all she does is feed. I feel quite helpless as I don’t want to burden my wife with everything but what can I do?!

I’m worried my frustration will effect my relationship with my daughter. I know it’s only a matter of time before we can express milk so I can feed her and she’ll soon become more active, but I really feel like I’m struggling.

My wife, bless her, is being a rock. None of this baby blues for her. She’s loving being a mum, handling the feeds with ease, not getting stressed at all, looks fantastic and is sleeping well (true, baby is helping by only waking two times a night so far). She’s trying to comfort me by saying I’ll be happier once I can feed her.

I love being a dad. I was holding her earlier and my heart just filled with love for her. I just hope my inadequacies don’t have an adverse effect on my bond with her. All I want is for her to love and be a daddy’s girl.