La Famiglia


I met my wife 7 years ago. I had moved to Southampton with my mum when I was 21 from my home in London. The reasons for my move are for another blog. So I met my wife down here, my mum moved back to London and I essentially stayed down here.

This is fine and I don’t regret this one bit. I have a great life, job, friends etc. But I drastically miss my family.

This became even more apparent to me last night.

All week, my little girl and wife have been suffering with a horrid cold/flu thing. I’ve had a head cold, but nothing drastic. We had planned for months to go up to London for my step-dads 60th birthday. All my mums side of the family were going to be there. This doesn’t often happen and I was really looking forward to spending the time with them. But due to my girls being ill, we couldn’t go.

At the time, I consoled myself with the fact that we were too poorly to go, and that was the case. But I’ve just seen some pictures on Facebook of the party last night, and it really hits home how I miss my mum, my family and being with them (even though they drive me insane!)

Unfortunately, money is so tight at the moment that going to visit them regularly is just not an option. £30 round trip in petrol a week is just crazy. But I need to figure something out. I want my daughter growing up knowing her family and I want them to be a bigger part of my life.

Maybe one day we can all live closer, or win the lottery so traveling isn’t such an issue!

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Night From Hell


So I think I had an evening that qualifies as one of the really bad ones last night.

I get home from rugby covered from head to toe in mud. I only live across the road, so rather than shower, I was looking forward to a nice hot bath loving run by my wife. I put my kit in the washing machine, went upstairs, put my toe in to test the temperature and nearly jumped out of my skin………. Freezing bloody cold! For some reason, our boiler had broken down. Now exactly the same thing happened last year. Christmas eve it breaks and we spend the next few days huddled under blankets and around oil heaters for warmth. So we were smart and took out the manufacturers insurance package. They’re coming out tomorrow. Still a pain, but luckily not the depths of winter just yet.

I end up boiling a few kettles of water and washing in the sink. As I’m doing this, I hear my 18 month old girl wake up by coughing like a sea-lion! Normally, we’re not the panicking type of parents, but my father-in-law was diagnosed with pneumonia on Monday and she had been around him on the weekend. 10.45 we find ourselves at the front door to the work in centre (thought it better than clogging up A&E) only to be told they’re closed…….. So off we go to A&E.

We were ushered through to the children’s ward very quickly, but there the good luck stopped. 3 hours later, after I’ve been surrounded by brats whose parents couldn’t control them and refused to cover their mouths when they coughed or sneezed, a moody doctor decided to look at my little ‘un. She has a nasty chest, throat and ear infection, got the drugs and was told to go home.

So we get home, get to bed about 3.30am. 5 am my daughter wakes up screaming. She wouldn’t calm down. In the end, my wife took her downstairs to play. I tried to follow, but my wife insisted I stay in bed as I had work and she didn’t.

So now I’m sat at work, with match sticks holding open my eyes, drowning myself in thick black coffee and praying my little girl feels better.

I guess it could have been worse, it could have happened tonight and ruined my birthday tomorrow (yes, I know it’s  a shameless plug, but who cares!)

Google+


I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but Google has released its answer to Facebook………. Google+! It’s a breath of fresh air and I love it!!

Basically, it seems to be a bit of a cross between Facebook and Twitter, with all of their strengths and none of their weaknesses. Needless to say, I’m loving it.

Instead of having just a list of friends who see everything you post, G+ has something called circles (this is my fav part). In this, you split your friends/relatives/contacts into different circles, then when you post something, you can choose who see’s it (I don’t want my mum seeing pics of me on the lash but my friends would, nor do my rugby chums want to see lots of pictures of my little girl but my family do). Also, you can split out your stream so instead of getting loads of Farmville rubbish all the time, you can select specific circles that will show up. It’s GENIUS!!!

The only issue at the moment is it’s not open to the public yet. Still in test mode and to gain access, you need to be invited. And all you lucky readers can get involved!! I have invites galore, so if you’d care to join up and see what’s got me excited, here’s the link: Google+ Invite There are only 150 invites per person, so be quick.

As it’s still in test mode, I’ll report back with any updates and stuff I find……..

I’m Just So Angry, But Don’t Know Why


It’s now been 2 1/2 hours since my daughter woke with teething. My body is a ruin and I’m so tired. I’m trying to keep it together and not lose my temper, but it’s not working. I just smashed the switch to the kitchen light.

My wife tells me to calm down and not get angry, but it feels like she’s saying it in a judging way, like I’m weak for feeling this way, which stokes the fire in me even more!

I don’t think it’s a secret I have anger issues. I’ve never gone over the line, thankfully, and I don’t think I ever will. But shouting and venting are all part of my repartee. The thing that gets me more het up is when people tell me to calm down. Yeah, cause you saying it will make it happen! I try my best to stay calm, so when someone tells me, it’s basically saying: “you’re failing, so try harder!”

She’s now practically keeping me and my daughter apart, turning her back to feed her, not letting me help. I’m sure she thinks I’d so something. I understand my temper is scary, but it hurts me so much to think she believes that I could ever hurt either of them.

I wish I had someone I could talk to about it. My family wouldn’t understand. My wife would listen, but I don’t think she’d hear and take in what I was saying. Not sure anyone would. I don’t understand it myself.

Up until about 6 years or so ago, I didn’t think I was a very angry person. My temper never really got the better of me. Wish I knew where I went wrong. At least I could start from there. It seems like it has just appeared out of thin air. My mum seems to think I’ve always had a temper, but I honestly don’t ever remember feeling like this before.

I wrote the above last night. Since then, my wife has been severely distant from me. Can’t say as I blame her. I’m a big guy, I can be intimidating when I’m relaxed, let alone fuming. I’ve booked an appointment with my doctor for Friday. I’m going to ask if there is anything they can do or help with. I’ve had a look online, but I can’t see anything along the lines of government help for anger issues. Inject yourself with drugs, drink and other things people choose to do, they throw money at left right and centre and help them out to be a good government to the people. I don’t choose to be angry, I don’t choose to have a temper. But I don’t think there is any help for me out there unless I pay £40 an hour for the privilege (which isn’t going to do me many favours in calming down when I can’t pay my mortgage!).

Update – Ok, so I’ve told a bit of a porkie. There IS NHS funded help, but I may have to go on a waiting list…… o…k…

I am worried about doing the whole counselling thing. I find it so hard to talk about my feelings (apart from on here) and opening up to my biggest weakness will be something so hard and uncomfortable and even then, it might not work. But it’s worth a try. I just hope that something comes from my GP visit.

Money Worries


I’m really worried.

My wife started a new job two weeks ago after leaving her last job after over 9 years. This was due to the company being totally unreasonable in relation to her going back to work part-time after having our daughter (there were other issues relating to the decision to leave, but I won’t post about them just yet, you’ll find out why later). The new job is perfect as it’s working for a children’s soft play company (my wife loves children), it’s part-time hours and she can take my little girl with her to work one of the three days. Money isn’t fantastic, but it’s enough when put with mine to live on.

The problem is my wife came down with this stomach bug Monday and had to call in sick today. This worries me very much! I have no problem with her being sick, but what worries me is she’s only been there a week and I don’t want her current company thinking she a bad employee. In her old job, she had less than a week off sick in nearly 10 years!

I’m terrified that she will lose this job and leave us with no way to pay our bills. I did get an e-mail from my previous boss last week asking if I wanted my old job back. I was tempted purely on the money basis as they’d pay a lot more, but I turned it down when I remembered how they treated me. Wondering if I made the right decision now.

I’m not blaming my wife at all. She is amazing and works so hard at being a mum, this new job and also trying to get her photography business off the ground, but as the man of the family, it’s my job to provide and I’m terrified I won’t be able to do this.

Now my little girls nursery has just called and said she’s got the same stomach bug (poor little angel). It never rains but it pours!

Can’t Sleep


Don’t you just hate it when you’re absolutely shattered, but can’t sleep.

It’s so infuriating!!

So I’m thinking of things. So far, lottery win division, an offer for my old job back and San da.

I’ll start with the old job. I left it over a year ago after suffering major stress related depression. It nearly destroyed me and ruined my marriage. Now I’m in a job where I’m VERY happy, feel appreciated and get to spend time with my family (moneys crap though). But I received an email out of the blue today from my old boss asking if I wanted my job back. I’m considering it purely for the money (my wife is only part-time because of our daughter.) Down sides: won’t get to spend much time with the family, won’t be able to train as much if at all, run the risk of depression again.

Other thoughts were just my previous San da fights. Keep running through my mind where I went wrong etc. Hopefully the new mma training I’m starting Monday will solve a few issues.

Then the lottery division. How would I divide up £12,000,00.00? So far, it goes like this:

£2 mil to charity (undecided which ones)
£2 mil into offshore account and live on interest
£1 mill each to my mum and mother-in-law
£1 mil split between my brother, sister and brother-in-law
£500k each to dad and father-in-law
£1.5 mil to rest of family
£500k round the world trip for me, the wife and daughter
£2 mil for house and car etc.

The house wouldn’t be anything too large or grand. Couple of £000k should cover it. Four rooms I suppose. Garden has to be big though.

Christ I need sleep!!!!

The Wife’s New Job


My wife is coming to the end of her maternity period and work is looming. Unfortunately, she will be unable to return to her current job part-time. It was looked at and discussed (to an extent) but was deemed undoable by the powers that be.

So be it.

Anyway, after the way she was treated (another long story I’d rather not get into) we both decided she shouldn’t return there. If for no other reason than we want her to be at home with our daughter at least some of the time.

She applied for a few photography jobs as she is a very keen and talented photographer, but these came to no avail. Instead, she opened up her own business and has been doing portrait shoots in a studio we made in our house (her website is here, please have a look). This has been going well, but isn’t really bringing in the money we need to keep going just yet. Hopefully once word gets around and the wedding season kicks in, things will change.

She did apply for a job working in a kids gymnastics place. I say gymnastics, it’s a tumble tots kind of get up, called Rainbow Mini Gym. This is perfect as she LOVES kids and she can even take our daughter to one of the sessions she’ll be working. Brilliant news came through today that she got it. Hours are great and days work perfectly. The only draw back is the pay is a little on the smaller side than I was hoping for.

So I get told the good news and the accountant in me rears it’s head. I start running figures through my head and alarm bells start ringing. I’m in the car at this time, so no where near my trusty computer and excel spread sheets. I get back to the office and start crunching numbers. I’m looking at tax relief and voucher schemes left, right and centre. The final result was that we can afford it. We’ll be tightening our belts so much that we’ll be wearing girdles, but we can do it. The only draw back is my training.

I was hoping to leave san da shortly and take up mma. This would be a culmination of techniques and arts I’ve wanted to learn but alas, we will only be able to afford 1 of my hobbies and rugby will ALWAYS take precedent for me.

So I was a bit down on thinking of this when I suddenly had a flash back. A little under a year ago, I was deeply depressed with my work and job. I couldn’t see any way out or any light at the end of the tunnel. My loving and supportive wife told me to leave that job. I did and found the job I’m currently in. Doesn’t pay as well as my last, but I’m much, much happier for it. What I guess I’m getting at is the same for my wife. She COULD go back to her job full time, get the good money and we can have our life back, but my daughter would suffer and be away from her mother. I’m not prepared for that to happen. So if sacrificing mma for my family is the option, I’ll gladly pay it.