My step-uncle is not only an amazing author of 3 books, but a word-smith with an apparent knack of telling it how it is. He was recently “bored” and decided to re-write the Bible and bring it into the modern era:
In the year of Our lord 2011, Noah was living above a former boatyard
in Caterham Town, along with his sons Ham, Shem and the other one
nobody can ever remember, when the Lord came unto him. “Noah, good
servant of mine.
Once again the world has become wicked and over populated. Build
another Ark and save two of every creature. Then gather around a few
good humans and prepare for the deluge to be visited upon the Earth in
six months. Here are the blueprints for the Ark”
Six months later God returned to Caterham, but there was no sign of
the Ark, just Noah sitting on his arse looking rather dejected in his
boatyard. “NOAH! Where’s the Ark? I’m about to start the rains.”
“Forgive me Lord but I needed a building permit, and these premises
were no longer licensed for boat construction. That took weeks to sort
out. Then the Inspector of Boats insisted I installed a sprinkler
system.(EU Directive 97/EC/1492BC); then the neighbours complained I’d
violated local by-laws by exceeding permitted height limitations, that
took another three weeks to sort out; then I had to source Gopher Wood
from the sustainable Forest of Dean. Don’t even mention the nightmare
I had about getting the animals-the trouble I’ve had with the RSPCA.
Then the Environmental Agency turned up. They want an Environmental
impact study on your proposed flood.”….”As for the crew.” Noah
continued. “I had the Racial Equality lot here last week demanding we
follow correct interviewing procedures, with the composition of the
crew reflecting diversity among all religious, cultural and ethnic
groups. Its doing my ‘ead in Lord!”
Suddenly the clouds rolled away, the sun came out and a glorious
rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder scratching
his arse. “Lord does this mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”
“No I’m not.” said God. “The Government has already f**ked it for me.”
Certainly made me laugh!
Let me know what you think and please do check out his books. They are based on fact relating to Jews during World War II and the stories and details are brilliant. Amazing writing and truly moving. You can get the books here.