I’m Just So Angry, But Don’t Know Why


It’s now been 2 1/2 hours since my daughter woke with teething. My body is a ruin and I’m so tired. I’m trying to keep it together and not lose my temper, but it’s not working. I just smashed the switch to the kitchen light.

My wife tells me to calm down and not get angry, but it feels like she’s saying it in a judging way, like I’m weak for feeling this way, which stokes the fire in me even more!

I don’t think it’s a secret I have anger issues. I’ve never gone over the line, thankfully, and I don’t think I ever will. But shouting and venting are all part of my repartee. The thing that gets me more het up is when people tell me to calm down. Yeah, cause you saying it will make it happen! I try my best to stay calm, so when someone tells me, it’s basically saying: “you’re failing, so try harder!”

She’s now practically keeping me and my daughter apart, turning her back to feed her, not letting me help. I’m sure she thinks I’d so something. I understand my temper is scary, but it hurts me so much to think she believes that I could ever hurt either of them.

I wish I had someone I could talk to about it. My family wouldn’t understand. My wife would listen, but I don’t think she’d hear and take in what I was saying. Not sure anyone would. I don’t understand it myself.

Up until about 6 years or so ago, I didn’t think I was a very angry person. My temper never really got the better of me. Wish I knew where I went wrong. At least I could start from there. It seems like it has just appeared out of thin air. My mum seems to think I’ve always had a temper, but I honestly don’t ever remember feeling like this before.

I wrote the above last night. Since then, my wife has been severely distant from me. Can’t say as I blame her. I’m a big guy, I can be intimidating when I’m relaxed, let alone fuming. I’ve booked an appointment with my doctor for Friday. I’m going to ask if there is anything they can do or help with. I’ve had a look online, but I can’t see anything along the lines of government help for anger issues. Inject yourself with drugs, drink and other things people choose to do, they throw money at left right and centre and help them out to be a good government to the people. I don’t choose to be angry, I don’t choose to have a temper. But I don’t think there is any help for me out there unless I pay £40 an hour for the privilege (which isn’t going to do me many favours in calming down when I can’t pay my mortgage!).

Update – Ok, so I’ve told a bit of a porkie. There IS NHS funded help, but I may have to go on a waiting list…… o…k…

I am worried about doing the whole counselling thing. I find it so hard to talk about my feelings (apart from on here) and opening up to my biggest weakness will be something so hard and uncomfortable and even then, it might not work. But it’s worth a try. I just hope that something comes from my GP visit.

Con Air Causes Deep Thinking


So I’m sitting here watching the film……. God, I can’t believe I’m going to admit this……. Con Air………… And the biggest shock, not only am I enjoying it (I’m in the right frame of mind for mindless, action crap) but it’s also making me think.

So as you may or may not know, Nicholas Cage is the hero of the film. He gets sent down for murder 3 months before his daughter was born. The first few minutes of the film is a talk-over of his letters to her and vice versa (obviously once she was old enough to write) and this is the part that got me thinking.

I’ve spent a lot more time in the last few days with Shannon (my daughter) than usual (lack of training on my part) and it’s been wonderful. She’s becoming such a character and seems to be becoming a right little daddy’s girl.

And seeing this scene in the film got me wondering how I’d feel about hearing of my daughter growing up without me being there. Already in this 7 months I’ve watched her grow from being a crying, shitting, eating blob to a hilarious, inquisitive, intelligent child. So much has happened and it would break my heart to think of missing any of it. Hell, the first time she crawled, I missed it by 1 hour due to being at work (luckily my wife managed to film it for me) and I was devastated! Sod missing 10 years!

Still, you break the law……..

Sharm El Sheikh, Egypt – The Pictures


Ok, so after the disaster of my beloved iPhone 4 screwing me over by deleting my saved holiday blogs, I’ve accepted I will NEVER remember all the details of this fab family holiday. Bit gutted as I wanted to do the whole “Egypt Holiday: Day 1” blog thing. I do, however, have photos of the holiday. So what I’ll do is post these up here with a short blurb about each one and if this jogs my memory then I’ll elaborate. I’ll also try to keep them in chronological order as best I can:

The perfect way to start the holiday! There’s something about a pint of Beck’s Vier at 9am that just puts you in the right for flying

She was awake pretty much all the way there. But throughout a 5 hour flight, she only cried a total of about 40 minutes and most of that was due to hunger. On the way home, she slept the entire flight. Such an angel.

I think you’re a little young angel! (she was sucking the condensation from the tin as it was baking on the plane, before anyone starts yelling child abuse!)

I had to throw this one in, purely as I think it’s a cute picture of us

 The sight of Naama Bay shopping bit. The first few days of the holiday were spent round the beach/pool doing not a great deal, which is fine. But I prefer going out and investigating places. So I managed to talk my whole family in getting a mini-bus thing from our hotel to Naama bay. We get there and my brother is being a miserable sh*t, moaning at every opportunity. We look for food and my sisters kids want to go to Hard Rock Cafe (hardly Egyptian cuisine in my mind!) so we agree. 10 minutes in there and my little nephew is throwing up all over the table (not a great traveller, bless him) so my sister and her brood leave early. We finish our “meal” then my brother announces it’s too hot for his little boy and they disappear. This leaves me, my wife and child and my mum and her partner. Perfect! Finally, we get to do some shopping, mooch around the town, have a nice drink and it finally starts feeling like my holiday.

Shisha cafe’s in Naama Bay

This photo is very special to me. This is a photo of the very first time my daughter ever really cuddled up to me and the first time she ever fell asleep in my arms.

Teaching my nephew a few moves on the beach. He so desperately wants to learn a form of martial arts (he loves all these fighting cartoons etc.) I’ve told my sister to get him into muay thai and when he’s older, I’ll move him over to san da

This guy was a regular on our beach. There were loads of little tiddlers swimming about in the shallows of the sea, so it must have been like a fisherman’s buffet for this guy.

So caring of the wife to stand in my sun. Jealous much that I was getting a better tan than her??

Zip-wire fun at our hotel. I have to say, the hotel we stayed in (Holiday Village Red Sea, in case you were wondering) was fantastic for families. Can’t knock a thing. We had a few little things when we first got there, but they solved the problems quickly and no fuss. Great service.

Manly pose……….

On the way to our quad biking adventure, we met a famous star from the past and my brother just had to get a photo………….. What do you mean “you don’t recognise him?” It’s Orvil the Duck!!!!! (I wish I could fly, right up to the sky…….)

All I need is an AK-47 and I’m sorted baby!

This was the view I had from my quad. The scenery on the Sinai peninsular is truly breath-taking. I honestly thought I was on Tatooine and expected to see R2D2 fly by me.

On the quad ride, we stopped off at a Bedouin camp for some light refreshments. The whole sitting on the floor thing was remarkably comfortable considering there is only a blanket thrown on the floor.

Tourist shot……… Sorry…….

My first Shisha Pipe. And contrary to my wife’s thinking, you do NOT have to smoke tobacco in the shisha pipe. We were sampling a lovely cherry flavour and was fantastic. I was with my brother, brother-in-law and mum’s other half, we’re all ex-smokers and all loved this, but didn’t in anyway want a cigarette. Lovely experience.

My first bit of REAL culture in nearly two weeks and it came at the end of my holiday.

The wife and I finally got out and had a love Egyptian meal outside of the hotel (well, she had pizza). Again, such a shame we only did this towards the end of our holiday.

In closing, it was an amazing holiday where I saw and did a lot, relaxed wonderfully and got to spend some great time with all my family. I did miss out on my holiday type where I would immerse myself in the country and avoid all touristy things, but Sharm El Sheikh was built for tourists, so you can’t expect much more from it. That being said, if you have kids, this place it amazing and the people are really friendly and honestly love kids. Go there!!

Will It Never Stop?!


It’s now over 4 months since my little girl came into this world. As you know from my previous posts, this has not always gone so smoothly for me and “culture shock” would be an understatement! But as times gone on, things have gotten sooooooo much better.

I’m calmer now with her. This comes from my understanding of her needs and her growing up and not being such a blob (all new born babies are, you can’t deny it).

She’s becoming such a little character. She’s laughing at things, getting annoyed by things, learning so fast and is a total joy to have in my life.

But one thing is alluding us……. That infamous night of sleep!

 

Don’t get me wrong, we put her down at 8, dream feed at 11, then she goes through to about 3.30. Then we get her off and she stirs every half hour to an hour until 8. Not too bad really, but I’m dying for a full nights sleep. I think the missus is feeling it just as much (although she’s a total champ). My eyes feel like lead balloons, attention is zero and my energy levels are desperately low (and when you play rugby and fight san da, this can be a dangerous thing).

But we’re getting there. We have a holiday booked to Sharm El Sheik, Egypt at the end of September. That gives us 4 weeks to crack this night sleeping at get two weeks of peaceful bliss.

Wish us luck!!

I Need Anger Management


I have a short temper.

There it is, in black and White. It’s something I’ve always had (along with no patience) and something I guess I’ll always have. It’s never been an issue before. Usually I can surpress my rage and cool off. I’ve never lost control. Yet.

And that’s my concern. Since my daughter’s arrived, I’ve been getting very angry when she crys. This is down to the fact I can’t help her. If I’ve changed her and burped her, I can’t do anything else (we’re breast feeding). So I feel helpless and this frustrates me and boils my anger so much! I’m truly concerned that one day I may lose it.

What riles me even more, is I’m so ashamed at getting angry. I know she isn’t trying to upset me or wind me up and my poor wife has to deal with a crying 6 week old and a husband on the edge. I’m a weak man and need help.

I’ve looked around on my local councils website and can only find help for under 25’s. How pants is that?!?!? So I’ve emailed the Samaritans. If you’re interested, I’ll let you know how it goes.

My Parenting Fear


I’m slightly concerned.

My wife gave birth to my baby girl last Wednesday. I’m over the moon! I totally love my little angel. I’ve always thought I’d make a good dad. Now I’m not so sure.

I love my little girl. She’s absolutely perfect. She only cries for food and nappy change. But when she cries, I feel powerless. Sure I change her nappy and wind her, but I can’t feed her (we’re breast-feeding). And at the moment, all she does is feed. I feel quite helpless as I don’t want to burden my wife with everything but what can I do?!

I’m worried my frustration will effect my relationship with my daughter. I know it’s only a matter of time before we can express milk so I can feed her and she’ll soon become more active, but I really feel like I’m struggling.

My wife, bless her, is being a rock. None of this baby blues for her. She’s loving being a mum, handling the feeds with ease, not getting stressed at all, looks fantastic and is sleeping well (true, baby is helping by only waking two times a night so far). She’s trying to comfort me by saying I’ll be happier once I can feed her.

I love being a dad. I was holding her earlier and my heart just filled with love for her. I just hope my inadequacies don’t have an adverse effect on my bond with her. All I want is for her to love and be a daddy’s girl.