Can’t Sleep

Don’t you just hate it when you’re absolutely shattered, but can’t sleep.

It’s so infuriating!!

So I’m thinking of things. So far, lottery win division, an offer for my old job back and San da.

I’ll start with the old job. I left it over a year ago after suffering major stress related depression. It nearly destroyed me and ruined my marriage. Now I’m in a job where I’m VERY happy, feel appreciated and get to spend time with my family (moneys crap though). But I received an email out of the blue today from my old boss asking if I wanted my job back. I’m considering it purely for the money (my wife is only part-time because of our daughter.) Down sides: won’t get to spend much time with the family, won’t be able to train as much if at all, run the risk of depression again.

Other thoughts were just my previous San da fights. Keep running through my mind where I went wrong etc. Hopefully the new mma training I’m starting Monday will solve a few issues.

Then the lottery division. How would I divide up £12,000,00.00? So far, it goes like this:

£2 mil to charity (undecided which ones)
£2 mil into offshore account and live on interest
£1 mill each to my mum and mother-in-law
£1 mil split between my brother, sister and brother-in-law
£500k each to dad and father-in-law
£1.5 mil to rest of family
£500k round the world trip for me, the wife and daughter
£2 mil for house and car etc.

The house wouldn’t be anything too large or grand. Couple of £000k should cover it. Four rooms I suppose. Garden has to be big though.

Christ I need sleep!!!!


We hear it every day. Someone we know is saying “I’m depressed”. The problem is, we don’t know if they are or if they’re just having a bad day.

What is depression? Can we spot it in people we care for? Can we spot it in ourselves?

I’ve often wondered if I’ve ever suffered with depression. True, I’ve a very stressful job, lots going on in my life and feel a huge weight on my shoulders 9 out of 10, but then I sit back and think of all the people who have REAL troubles. Losing their homes, losing their jobs, wondering whether they can afford to pay for food or their heating bill. What are my problems compared to theirs?

I’ve been feeling really down lately. Majority of it is to do with my job. The pressure of meeting deadlines, making sure all payments are made, the accounts balance, producing report after report, it feels never ending. I don’t think this would be too bad in itself, but the company I work for make you feel that if you make a mistake, you’re going to get fired. They never outwardly say that, nor made any implications towards me following in that vein, but the way they deduct other peoples wages for serving the wrong food to guests, the insults and pressure they pile on, I’m terrified that one slip and I’m doomed. Couple that with this recession and no jobs, the pressure starts mounting.

As was pointed out to me last night by my fiancee while trying to stop the leak in my bathroom from destroying my kitchen ceiling, I always try to handle things on my own. I can’t ask for help. So does this add more pressure to me? It certainly didn’t help yesterday when I’m covered in minging water, trying to fix it while she’s downstairs screaming cause the kitchen is flooded. I know it should be easy to ask for help, but at what point does asking for help become passing the buck or being lazy? I’ve been accused of that many times and it hurts, because I’m not.

Their just always seems to be a new task or trial to over come, with never an end in sight, or if there is, it’s dangled in front and then snatched away. It’s gotten to the point now where I can’t sleep, can’t relax, always looking for an arguement and snapping at people. It’s not fair on the ones I love.

But is this depression or am I just being a tart and need to toughen up. Like I said earlier, my troubles are nothing compared to others, so can I really have the slightest incling of depression? Of course not as that would be self pity, and there’s no way I’m going to be guilt of that! Do I need help? Yeah, but what form. Medical is out of the question, relaxation techniques could be a good start, talking to someone outside of my circle (but no shrink) could help, but also prove expensive (another problem I could do without0. So I’m kind of stuck at the minute with no where to go and no end in sight.