What Have I Let Myself In For?!

I’ve been training mma for about 2 months now. Nothing serious, just 1 or 2 sessions a week. Before this, as my regulars will know, I trained san shou. So my background is mainly stand-up fighting. However I felt I needed to broaden my view on fighting and competing, so mma was the next logical step.

I’ve just agreed to take part in an interclub fight in December. Now, interclub fights are NOT big news. Shouldn’t be anything major, but I’m having serious doubts about my abilities. Am I really THAT good to step into the ring? I know I can handle a stand up fight, even if I lose, I’ll be able to walk out without too bad a beating. But my ground work is atrocious and I’m very worried about being on the bad end of the dreaded “ground and pound“.

I’m sure the organisers of this event will match each person with an opponent of similar weight and (more importantly I think) similar experience, so I shouldn’t be facing anyone who has 25 fights under their belt. But then there is no guarantee of that. It’s all too easy to say “this is my first fight” while trying to hide your UFC championship belt.

I’m sure some people will say not to fight if I have any doubts, and they’d probably be right. But I also REALLY REALLY REALLY want to compete. I’m not in it for the fighting or beating down on someone. I’m in it for the competition, to see if I’m good enough. And the only way I can do that, is to fight.

So I’m in a quandary. I guess I have 8-9 weeks in which to make my mind up (to give time to cancel I mean) and in the mean time, I guess I train as much as I can, cover the bare basics, get my cardio up and not let my doubts control me.

Wish me luck!

My Parenting Fear

I’m slightly concerned.

My wife gave birth to my baby girl last Wednesday. I’m over the moon! I totally love my little angel. I’ve always thought I’d make a good dad. Now I’m not so sure.

I love my little girl. She’s absolutely perfect. She only cries for food and nappy change. But when she cries, I feel powerless. Sure I change her nappy and wind her, but I can’t feed her (we’re breast-feeding). And at the moment, all she does is feed. I feel quite helpless as I don’t want to burden my wife with everything but what can I do?!

I’m worried my frustration will effect my relationship with my daughter. I know it’s only a matter of time before we can express milk so I can feed her and she’ll soon become more active, but I really feel like I’m struggling.

My wife, bless her, is being a rock. None of this baby blues for her. She’s loving being a mum, handling the feeds with ease, not getting stressed at all, looks fantastic and is sleeping well (true, baby is helping by only waking two times a night so far). She’s trying to comfort me by saying I’ll be happier once I can feed her.

I love being a dad. I was holding her earlier and my heart just filled with love for her. I just hope my inadequacies don’t have an adverse effect on my bond with her. All I want is for her to love and be a daddy’s girl.

Terrified I’ll Be A Failure

As you know, I’m due to be a dad in about 2 weeks. I’m getting so excited at the prospect! True, I’m going to be losing the freedom to go out whenever I want, have lie in’s and chill when I get home, but it’ll be worth it every time I pick up that small baby and look into my child’s eyes.

But I’m also petrified I’m going to mess everything up.

I’ve recently started a new job and I’m loving it. The pace is just right (could do with being a bit busier) to keep me interested, the people are great and the company seems to be going in the right direction. But I’ve got a terrible feeling it’s not going to last. I e-mailed my boss yesterday asking if she was happy with me etc. etc. and I’ve had no reply as yet. I don’t think I’ve given her any reason not to be happy, but I’m so worried that at the end of my probation (another 3 months) she’ll just turn round and say “sorry, it’s not working out”. How will I support my family then? In a recession and a new baby………

To be honest, this is my main concern. Without being too bigheaded, I think I’ll be a fantastic dad. I’m not huge on babies, but I think I’ll be just fine in caring and looking after it and as it grows, I will enjoy teaching it and watching it grow and I’m much better with toddlers and children than babies.

I just hope that my child doesn’t grow up and turn round one day and think I’m a disappointment or I’ve failed them in some way. I have a kind of relationship with my dad like this (I don’t think he supported me as much as he should have during my teens) and I hope my child NEVER thinks like that. But if I lose my job and can’t provide for my family, then that is exactly what I am. A failure and disappointment to my wife and child.

Hate my job

It’s now 11.30 pm and I’m sat watching tv and DREADING going to sleep.

Normally, I love my bed, but Sundays are always different. See, I hate my job. Not just as everyone hates their job but my job has caused me depression, it has risked my marriage through my moods and has directly affected my physical health because due to having to work late I can’t find the time to effectively exercise (plus I’m in such a bad mood I can’t get the motivation to do any).

My boss makes me feel worthless and the pure fear of going in to work and wondering what I’ll get blamed for next and what abuse I’ll suffer is absolute torture. I’m trying to stay awake because when you sleep, time runs quicker and that is one thing I don’t want to happen. But I’m so tired. I don’t have much choice really.

This may sound pathetic and childish but I honestly can’t take much more.

Still, I only have 8 working days left and I’m totally free of it. Just have to hope I have the strength to survive the horrific feelings I get every time I think about that place.

Total Fear

This is not a good day for me. I have to leave work early (which is always a bonus) and go to the doctors and have an injection for my honeymoon.

On the face of it, this is hardly a major drama. In the grand scheme of things, what with having a recession, people starving in the world and dying for needless causes, this is pretty fucking minute. However….. I’m petrified of needles.

How, you may ask, have I managed to have four tattoo’s? Thats simple. To have a tattoo, I don’t need to have an injection. The amount of times I get asked that is unbelieveable!! I have a phobia of injections. Not the pain they cause or the sensation of something going into me (although I DO NOT like that feeling) but a simple phobia.

Take people who are scared of spiders. I will guarantee 90% of people who say they are scared of spiders have never been bitten by one or in anyway harmed by one. But still, they are scared of them. Same goes for me.

I am a little embarressed about being such a wuss. I went to visit my mum yesterday and she had my brother round and sister and my niece and nephew. Now, my nephew isn’t very well at the minute. The other week he had to have a blood test (he’s only 4). So we’re all sat around the lounge yesterday chatting away, when the subject of my forthcoming date with fear came up. I had to sit there and say, infront of my nephew, how scared I was. He said he didn’t even say ouch!!! And blood tests are supposed to be worse than a simple innoculation injection!!

Still, I’m sure he understands. I now just to have to hope that my courage holds out long enough and keep telling myself this is for my honeymoon!